"Real" Friends vs "Deal" Friends
A recent survey found that Americans have fewer close friendships now than 30 years ago.
This kind of makes sense if we take a moment to consider how much of our time is used up by our career, family, health (e.g., exercise), and romantic partner.
So it’s not shocking that our friendships might find itself on the sidelines.
I’ve recently been struggling with this concept and it drives me crazy to realize how busy life gets as we grow up, ultimately leaving less and less time for our friendships.
However, author and social scientist Arthur Brooks emphasizes that true friendships are essential for happiness as we age.
“Real” friends vs “Deal” friends?
Brooks distinguishes between "deal" friends—those with whom relationships are transactional—and "real" friends, who offer genuine emotional support.
These “deal” friends are the lowest level of Aristotle’s proposed friendship hierarchy – which is utilitarian friendships.
These relationships have the least emotional connection and mostly serve the purpose of helping us achieve our goals.
If you’re interested I talk more about Aristotle's Three Types of Friendships in my essay here.
Although “deal” friends may bring some temporary enjoyment from spending time together, but it doesn’t tend to bring lasting joy to your life.
In contrast, real friendships, aka aristotle’s “perfect” friend, is characterized by mutual appreciation and shared interests, which are vital for our well-being.
Quality over quantity
If, while reflecting on this a little, you’re starting to panic over the quality of your friendships, you’re not alone.
Over the course of our lifetime, we accumulate superficial relationships that may leave us feeling unfulfilled or unhappy.
To combat this, we must cultivate meaningful connections and prioritize quality over quantity.
Reflecting on your friendships, consider whether they uplift you or leave you feeling drained.
Strong friendships can aid us in overcoming challenges and help us become our best selves.
Building these connections takes time.
Research suggests it takes about 94 hours to move from acquaintance to friend and about 300 hours to become best friends.
Spending leisure time together on shared passions is key to developing closeness.
Try partaking in a common hobby or fun activity once in a while.
It’s important to know that these friendships do not happen overnight and may take many years to establish.
But this type of friendship is well worth the time and effort needed to establish it and is a lot more stable than the previous two levels.
In the end…
While it's okay to have utilitarian friendships, focusing on real friends is essential for long-term happiness.
We are the result of the environment we put ourselves in.
Investing in these “perfect” relationships enriches our lives and provides the support we need through life’s ups and downs.
Be well and Keep Pluggin.
-C.
